Zimagal Monthly Magazine - Volume One, Issue Eight

Random Rant:
Ok, I admit it - I am a nut for agreeing to dogsit for friends. But I love dogs! And I miss mine terribly :( But I realize that taking care of somene else's critter isn't quite the same. Not that I won't do it again, I merely realize that it does not satisfy the craving for pet ownership that I have been having recently.

More you say? Sick perverted fiends! You probably read the AOL Diaries first, don't you? Well, now that you've calmed down somewhat and wiped the lather from your mouths, read about my latest fetish.

Kissing a Fool
You who have read my magazine previously may well know my views on kissing. Kissing is a hobby of mine which I like to pursue as often as possible. But I consider myself a "gourmet" kisser - that is, any old kiss will not do. I am very particular about whom I kiss, and do not kiss just anyone merely for the sake of doing so. I have been fortunate in that all the significant other-type men in my life have enjoyed the sport of bussing as well. However, most seem to take it a tad too seriously. That is not to say that kissing isn't serious business. It is. But aside from that, it's stimulating, sensual, playful, and yes, fun.

I like fun. Fun is good. Fun things make me laugh. So yes, sometimes I laugh while kissing. Once I dated a rather humorless man, who although was a fine kisser, didn't appreciate my having too much fun. He would ask me frequently, "Why are you laughing?" in such a serious tone, I often would laugh merely to get this reaction. Cruel? Perhaps. But he was just too stiff for his own good. (Those of you ladies who think this might be a good thing may have the fellow. Good luck!)

I imagine I must be bruising male egos when I laugh - they apparently think I am laughing at them. They probably worry, "Is my technique not good?" "Should I turn my face the other way?" "Is she thinking of something funny she saw on Seinfeld last week?" "Am I making weird noises?" Ah! The ego of the human male - quite a fragile thing. I ordinarily do my best to bolster the ego of my man, because poor self-esteem is a turn-off (but an overinflated one is rather hard to squeeze through many doorways.)

So do I laugh when I kiss my current Beau? Of course I do! And sometimes he laughs with me. Or is he really laughing at me?? ::::thinking:::::

Random Rant:
What kind of idiot takes his or her computer along on vacation? Pathetic, huh? A vacation is a time to relax, to avoid the stresses of the day-to-day world. This means avoiding e-mail and chat rooms too.

Random Rant:
This isn't a rant, but I wanted to mention it. Spotted on a billboard in central PA: Viagra lasts for 4 hours. Maple Donuts last all day.

Exacting Standards
Last month, I mentioned some things which make a man a "Real Man". This month, we tackle "The World's Best Boyfriend." I recently mentioned to my own Beau that someone called her boyfriend this very complimentary thing. The Beau immediately wanted to know what exactly made up "The World's Best Boyfriend" (hereafter shortened to "TWBB"). I wish I had had the manual at the ready to hand him, with the advice, "Study hard, dear," but alas, I did not. I had to admit that I did not know what characteristics were required in TWBB because I had never had one. Excluding the present one, who shall remain uncategorized throughout this article, I have had Mediocre Boyfriends, Adequate Boyfriends, Fair-to-Middling Boyfriends, Ones-That-Weren't -Around-Long- Enough-To-Be-Considered "Boyfriends" Boyfriends, and just plain Lousy Boyfriends. Maybe there was even a Halfway-Decent Boyfriend in there somewhere - but none to reach that lofty pedestal on which TWBB would stand.

So help me along here, ladies. What is it that gives men deserving of TWBB titles their je ne sais quois? (And don't tell me "Je ne sais pas.") I would imagine that TWBB would be a "Real Man" (go ahead, re-read it). But maybe not. Does TWBB really need to open car doors for his woman? He certainly doesn't need callouses on his hand (his tongue perhaps?) Does he need to be on call every minute of the day, in case of emergency? Should he have a handful of fresh-picked posies for his sweetheart at each meeting? Might he need the stamina of ten men but the libido of only two? Should he not want to forcefeed his woman oysters again when she has already stated her disliking for the briny creatures?

Tell me what your opinions are on this matter, and I promise to publish the results in a future issue.

Just a Little Off the Top, Please
Watching my Beau (yes, he does seem to be mentioned an awful lot here, doesn't he? He occasionally gives me great material!) snip the top off his cigar, I casually remarked that he was "Bobbitizing" it. He took umbrage to my comment, and started a diatribe (albeit a mild one) about the injustice of the world when it comes to penalty for unsolicited penis-removal. Seems that men are still a tad sensitive over the whole Lorena and John Wayne Bobbit thingy (so to speak). The Beau mentioned that Lorena got a mere slap on the wrist for the heinous crime which she committed on her sleeping husband. It was completely unwarranted since he was unable to defend himself, and the premeditation of it made it a sick crime indeed. Well, it is probably true that as a collective whole, women think that the former Mrs. Bobbit performed a brave act, and support her deed, or at least are humored by the thought of it all. "What if a man cut off a woman's breasts and threw them into the bushes," the Beau continued, "what sentence would he face?" "Most likely the death penalty," I offered. "At least," was the reply. I tried to throw him off the track by bringing up the hideous practice of female genital mutilation still performed by some areas of the world. It didn't work. The Beau agreed that it was a sick and disgusting procedure, but continued on with his argument.

I conceded. It was a cruel and inhumane thing to do to a man. Shooting him in the head would probably have been much more effective, but not as interesting. It certainly would not have made the name "Bobbit" a household word, and a joke to billions. I could just imagine the legions of unfortunate men sporting that surname, rushing to change the name to something less...um....inviting. So to all you of the male persuasion with names like "Snippit", "Kutz", "Schmuckless", "Putzoff", and "Weiner", the next time you hear "off with his head!!", it just might be yours.
:::snickering::::

(No no, I am not laughing at you!)

Stay Tuned For the Next Exciting Bitchfest!

Random Rant
I recently helped a friend move for the umpteenth time. I vow to get a moving company to help me, should that day ever come for me to move all my worldy goods to another location. I am merciful to those I love.

Random Rant
A mini movie review: Nicholas Cage is a fine actor. Gary Sinise is a fine actor. So why does Snakeeyes suck?

Random Rant
I seem to have a cage of gerbils that need a home because someone reneged on a deal. Anyone want them? I am offering them at bargain prices; only some of them are in "slightly used" condition. Please e-mail me for more information.

Random Rant
Do you really read these things? LOL!