This column is for you, the reader, to express an opinion. Like a letter to the Editor. But not. The opinions expressed here are not necessarily shared by Moi. ~Kathy
Dating, Kara-style
Forget Your Dream Partner! When it comes to reality you need to know what you can (and can't) reasonably rely on, and how to get the other person to deliver the goods.
When a person hooks up with a cutie, you might hope for declarations of devotion and absolute enraptured attention, all on the first date. Yeah right and how about a zero-calorie hot fudge sundae for dessert? You could wish that your partner would quit talking to all other males/females that are in their life completely. WELL WISH ON! Remember that life is not a T.V. show, unless you’re Truman (which you aren’t). Once you have something going on with another person (that doesn't mean talking on the phone for an hour, or going out once a week) you have every right to certain rational expectations.
In my few years of dating I have paid attention to detail, like how both my Male and Female friends and I act around the opposite sex, what we like and what we don't like. This is what I have come up with: What is and is not reasonable. What is and is not a date and finally what is a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and what is not.
A Flirting Partner
Reasonable Expectations:
He/she gives you special attention. This is great because that person makes you feel like the most important person in the world. It also gives your self-esteem a boost.
They're touchy-feely in a non-threatening way. Friendly hugs, a peck on the cheek (or two, 3 maybe 5) comes with the territory, (sigh) and don't forget the kind of kisses that sends shivers up your spine.
This person will keep you on your toes verbally. Even though its not necessarily romantic, verbal sparring - a.k.a. bantering is definitely the biggest factor in keeping a flirting relationship interesting.
Unreasonable Expectations:
They won't check out other people (well when you're not around anyway) As everyone knows that a roving eye is a flirts trademark. Don't take it personally if you see their eyes flit from time to time. If they look like a flirt and they smell like a flirt, and act like a flirt, guess what? They're a flirt. Most likely that won't change anytime soon.
They won't say the same lines to another person. The reason you call them flirts is because they like to do it, A LOT. So unless your chained to that person 24/7, there probably plying others too.
They won't date another person. Just like any new relationship that person isn't "yours" yet. Since this is only flirting there's no way they'll refrain from dating another person.
Casual Dating
Reasonable Expectations:
You'll see each other at least a few times a month. Casual dating means seeing each other on a semi-regular basis. So don't sweat it!
They won't talk to you about other partners. You both may be seeing other people, but it’s allowed! Again this is only casual dating! But if they are throwing the other person in your face, they’re downright discourteous. Don't put up with it! Can you say "Bye, Bye?"
There should be no pressure for sex. Why should you expect this? One, you two are not monogamous. Two, even if you were there should never, ever, be pressure for sex I don't care if the couple has been married for 25 years its WRONG! (This is where the "bye-bye" part should come to play).
Unreasonable Expectations:
You’re invited out every weekend and are called seven nights a week. The keyword is casual, do you get this? If that person is so constant you would be in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship or he or she would be your stalker.
They remember your birthday, celebrate your parents anniversary, want to attend your sisters wedding...if this is not a committed relationship then you shouldn't expect the other person to be big on important dates in your life.
They will consult you before making plans with other people. Come on now get real! For the last time this is casual dating, do I have to beat it through your thick skull? :: Looking for the baseball bat:: I'd be more then happy to.
New Boyfriend/Girlfriend Relationship
Reasonable Expectations:
They will call on a regular basis. Since you’re in an official relationship (which means that hopefully you both agreed to it and know that this is what you’re in) that person’s name showing up on your caller I.D every day or so is a given. Hey remember to be fair, this should be a two-way thing, give and take. Don't expect the other person to do all of the calling. Remember that!
You hang out with each other several times a week (but remember that there is no ring on each other's fingers). This is a wonderful benefit of being in a relationship. I have to say this: Please don't get so caught up in each other that you forget those little tiny people that you spent so much time with before you found your partner (Nope, I'm not bitter at all.)
This is very, very, very important: No cheating allowed! Even though this is a new relationship the same faithful rule still applies. Do unto other as … yadda, yadda, yadda, you know the rest. (If you don't E-mail me I still have that bat handy.)
Unreasonable Expectations:
The other person should not hang with their pals (male or female) unless you're with them. Wrong answer - do not pass go, do not collect $200.00. You’re a couple, not Siamese twins. You both should still have your own life, but don't exclude the person. What fun is a relationship if you don't have a chance to miss each other?
She's at your beckon call or vice versa. Do you really think that if you tell the other person to jump they will say, "How high?" No I don't think so, "Homey don't play that." (Opening a jar, or a car door for a person is O.K. In fact it adds a touch of class. Well the car door thing adds class, the jar thing is just being your own sweet self.)
He or she tells you they that he/she loves you. You two are still new to each other; if the other person did say the "L" word; hopefully you'd be smart and a tad suspicious. :: Passing the baseball bat:: You should both be sure of your feelings before you start declaring your love.
Long-term Boyfriend/Girlfriend
Reasonable Expectations:
The other person tells you that he/she loves you and means it. If this really is a long-term thing, love has to be there. It’s what will fuel the good times and sustain you through the bad. Remember actions of love are just as important as words.
You both take consideration before making plans. It should be common courtesy for you to let your partner know that you are taking a 3-week trip to Florida. Remember if this is a relationship there is no more just jumping on a plane and leaving with out telling a soul. If the other person does that, as always you can borrow my baseball bat and wait for that person at the airport.
You both are on each other's high list of priorities. You are a couple with a capitol "C" and you both should be given loads of love, respect, and attention.
Unreasonable Expectations:
You see each other 7 times a week and neither of you has a life outside your relationship. You started dating him because the other person was interesting and had a life, right? Well why should that stop? Both of you have to have lives outside of your relationship or it won't work. The relationship will get old fast if you don't have anything to talk about.
Promises to marry? Hmmmm… Even though you’re way serious, banking on forever and ever will only put undue pressure on the relationship. Take things one day at a time. A relationship that moves to fast is a relationship that is sure to fail. Don't worry about tomorrow. You have the rest of your life.
You share every little tiny detail with each other. There will be things that you don't share with each other, as long as the secrets aren’t damaging; this is healthy and normal.
The bottom line: Treat each other right and you'll both get what you want!
Remember that these are just my thoughts. I am not an expert in relationships, but I do know a few things about them. I hope that I have helped someone out there in AOL land.
TTFN : )
