Yes, boys and girls, this is me, and not at my biggest. I think this pic dates from 1990.
A year or so later, me as a buxom blonde.
Christmas, 1993 (I think) mid-late diet period. Medium-sized me with medium-sized Andree.
New Year's Eve, 1994. Can you believe my Mother let me out of the house in that dress??
New Year's Eve, 1995. Not too shabby, huh?
1997, medium-sized again. What's with the hair??
Summer, 1997. Cut the hair off and you essentially have me now.
My Mom tells me that the only time I was skinny as a child was at birth. From that point on, it went downhill. A kid can almost get away with being fat; he or she gets called "chubby" or "husky", and if the kid is cute, that's not a bad thing. But when a seventeen-year-old tips the scales at 242, and is only 5'5", that kid is F A T.
I was that fat kid. I must admit, I love food. I could eat most people under the table (still can). And I love to cook and bake, which puts me in the kitchen a lot. I am a sensualist. I revel in my sensory experiences, the tastes and textures of food being a primary sourse of enjoyment. I have a tad more control over my eating habits than I used to. I can walk away from a plate that still has food on it. I try to eat until I am satiated, not until it's gone. It's difficult, especially coming from a childhood spent with a Grandmother who encouraged me to eat.
I started college in the fall of '83, weighing more than a set of triplets. The second semester, I fell into a huge crush with my music teacher, Ernie (sigh). He was only six years older than I, and I figured I had a chance to win his heart. Silly me. A nice dream, but it caused me to lose some 40 lbs.
I got his attention. Ernie and I *did* become pretty good friends, but his wife put a bit of a damper on any relationship beyond that.
I stayed at 200+ lbs for the next ten years or so, occasionally trying some fad diet and losing another 20, only to regain it within a few weeks.
One day I decided that enough was enough and I would really have to lose the rest of the bulk I was carrying. My love life was non-existant, I had horrible self-esteem, and I was beginning to worry about the long term effects being overweight would have on my health. My friend Andree was starting to feel the same way about herself, and she joined Jenny Craig. I decided I could lose as much weight as she could, or more, and not have to rely on someone else's diet plan. I started a low-fat diet and stuck to it. I ate little or no fat, lots of fresh fruit and vegetables. And I added one new regimen to my life: exercise. Always having been a sedentary person, I was not used to aerobic activity. But soon enough, it became an addiction. I would race home from work to put on my leotard and jump around to my self-choreographed exercise routine. I also started taking country line dance lessons, spending 3-4 nights per week on a dance floor.
The weight flew off of me. I lost 60 lbs in 7 months. I went from a size 20 to a size 10-12. I was elated when friends would hug me and say, "You feel bony! You are getting TOO thin!"
Losing weight allowed me to find parts of me that I never knew existed. Who knew my eyes were so big? They used to be squinty, and they disappeared into a fold when I smiled. And ribs! I now had ribs! And hip bones! But where did my breasts go??
I also had a great increase in my self-esteem. I always thought I was somewhat attractive. But then I saw that I was actually pretty darn cute. (giggle)
Unfortunately, my "skinny" days were pretty short-lived. I found AOL and started spending too much time sitting on my butt again. I have gained 20+ lbs back, but that number fluctuates too. It's funny how one regains weight. My breasts are now back, with a vengeance, but my face and shoulders are still pretty slim.
Sometimes I feel a little disappointed in myself about gaining again. But I lost the weight once and I know I can do it again easily. I just haven't tried very hard. And why should I? I am still attractive, and my self-esteem is still high. As I look around me, I see that there are so many body shapes and sizes around. One need not be tall and thin to be beautiful or liked. Why must we conform to an "ideal"? At this point in my life, I am accepting of myself. Other than wanting to fit in those wasted skinny clothes in my closet once again, I am not unhappy. I like me the way I am, at least today. And that's the most important thing.
