Not everyone is looking forward to Christmas, according to my favorite curmudgeon, Neal. ~Kathy
Much Ado About Christmas
Christmas is a holiday that screams out to be hated. Like the high school cheerleader with perfect skin, Christmas has become a symbol that everyone feels obligated to cherish warmly. As a result, many the contrarian see it as a time to magnify their own misery and melancholy. For both camps -- the Christmas lovers and the Christmas loathers -- there are plenty of activities to keep them busy during the holidays. For the Christmas lovers, there is gift gathering, tree decorating, and cookie baking. For the Christmas loathers, there is heavy drinking, listening to Elvis croon "Blue Christmas" 512 times, and calling the Suicide Prevention Hotline.
But what about those of us who are indifferent to Christmas? How can this ambivalent legion of holiday bystanders cope with the inevitable juggernaut that is Christmas? As a card carrying member of this group, I have identified the stumbling blocks that have plagued my Decembers and found ways to work through the yuletide pitfalls. I hope the following will help at least one lost soul out there.
The Environment
December is a dark month. The last couple weeks of December are the darkest of the year. Even us work-a-day office drones are forced to go to work in the dark and come home in the dark. Rush hour takes on an added sense of terror when visibility is poor, and you’ve also added some holiday shoppers to the already heavy traffic. Even if you’re lucky enough to see day light, it’s usually a pale, sickly hue. To make matters worse, for most of the country, the icy grip of winter is beginning to take hold.
Well, I’m not God, so I just have to deal with it. My only trick is to pretend that the sea of car lights on the highway at rush hour is the Las Vegas strip. I’m Frank Sinatra, and I’m heading down to the Flamingo to plan the big heist with Dean and Sammy. I suppose you can make up your own bright lights fantasy.
The Preparation
There’s far more preparation for Christmas than any one day deserves. My feeling is that you should not cave in to peer pressure, and only do what you feel you reasonably want to do.
The big issue of contention among Christmas lovers and haters alike is shopping. Modern conveniences like the internet have made it easier to shop without having to rub shoulders with your fellow humans, but what is Christmas without at least one trip to the crowded stores. Everyone has their own approach to gift shopping, so I can only say that you should establish a comfortable regimen. I prefer to plan one, big, marathon shopping day where I systematically obtain as many of the items on my carefully prepared list as I can. Then I may have one or two “clean up” shopping sessions where I try to finish the list or come up with alternate gifts. Just don’t over do it. The recycled mall air will make you hallucinate.
Decorating is another area where you should not succumb to outside pressures. No one said that your house had to look like the Clark W. Griswald residence. Festive is in the eye of the beholder. And if you feel it necessary to bake cookies, stick to simple recipes. Sugar cookies made to look like Santa or Christmas trees or some other Christmas icon can be a major source of holiday stress. They’re just empty calories anyway.
The Family
The Death Star of Christmas stress. There’s never a better gathering of psychological dysfunction than at Christmas time. Although I disapprove of heavy drinking in general, a moderate touch of holiday cheer can assist greatly in smoothing over the family relations. Alcohol certainly makes it easier to handle the same conversations each year. For example, the following is a verbatim transcript of a conversation I had with my Grandmother at every Christmas dinner until she died:
Grandmother: "Want some gravy? " Me "No, thanks. I don’t like gravy? " Grandmother: "Don’t like gravy? When did this start? " Me: "From the time I was born.” Grandmother: "I never heard of such a thing. " Me: "Yes you did; when I told you last year. " Grandmother: "But the turkey won’t taste like anything without gravy. " Me: "Yes it will. It’ll taste like turkey and not gravy. "It went on longer, but you get the idea. I also have to go through the Christmas equivalent of genital comparison as I discuss with my cousin how well each of us is doing. Unless I suddenly get a novel on the bestseller list or win the lottery, he will probably always be ahead, so the discussion is pointless. I often feel that this annual boost to his ego is my real Christmas present to him.
Conclusion
Christmas is inevitable, like the proverbial death and taxes. You can’t run; you can’t hide. So if you can’t avoid it, my experience is that you embrace it on your own terms. Never do more than you want to. Accept the family interaction as a dance that you’ve danced before. It may be a slow and torturous dance, but at least you know the steps. Above all, Christmas is about joy, peace, and love. The peace bit usually goes right out the window, but if you can make Christmas a pursuit of joy and love, the rest should become tolerable.
