Zimagal Monthly Magazine - Volume One, Issue Eleven

Random Rant:
Someone recently reneged on an offer to buy the remaining slightly-used gerbils which I was raising for someone's perverse pleasure. Any takers?

Ahh...so we meet again! I have some new and exciting things to talk about this month (don't I always?) Pour yourself a nice stiff drink, take a seat, and enjoy.

Immoral Majority?
Sometimes one uses a cliche or familiar phrase in conversation without really meaning what he or she has just said. Let's take for example the recent misuse of the term "moral majority." The Moral Majority was a group of right-wing fundamentalist Christians who wanted to put religion into politics. Their founder, Jerry Falwell, disbanded the organization in the 80s, after members of the group proved themselves to be neither moral nor the majority (remember Jimmy Swaggart and Jim Bakker?)

In my example, a friend of mine was chastised for expressing a private thought in a public forum. The person who castigated her commented that his reaction to her comment was supported by members of the "moral majority." I had to laugh at this. Why? Because the word "moral" was severely misused in this instance. Let us examine:

Here is what the Merriam Webster Dictionary has to say about the word moral :

mor·al ['mor-&l, 'mär-] adj; Mid Eng, from Mid Fr, from Latin moralis, from mor-, mos custom; 14th century 1 a : of or relating to principles of right and wrong in behavior : ETHICAL (moral judgments) b : expressing or teaching a conception of right behavior (a moral poem) c : conforming to a standard of right behavior d : sanctioned by or operative on one's conscience or ethical judgment (a moral obligation) e : capable of right and wrong action (a moral agent) 2 : probable though not proved : VIRTUAL (a moral certainty) 3 : having the effects of such on the mind, confidence, or will (a moral victory) - mor·al·ly /-&-lE/ adverb.

This person's "moral majority," that is, the people who agreed with him, certainly must have their own idea of what constitutes right and wrong behavior. Apparently, to them, speaking out against a betraying friend is far more inappropriate than cheating on one's spouse or significant other, bed-hopping, or doing drugs, as is common practice among them. Oh, I am not saying I am perfect either; however, I have never participated in these activities, nor do I consider myself a part of the "group." Even when I socialized with some of them, I did not approve of their actions. But I do not usually speak out against them in general because many of the people whom I do consider friends have participated in such behaviors. I do not like to judge individuals, but I do enjoy a bit of clique-bashing!

Perhaps Mr. Castigation meant "moron majority" or "immoral majority" or even "amoral majority?" Wonder if Jerry Falwell can see the irony in any of this?

Random Rant
The concept of "stadium-style" seating in a movie theatre is a fine idea, but in Baltimore, one has to take into consideration that the woman in front of him or her might have some big hair going on, thereby negating the effect of platform seating.
Small Hair Rules!!

Random Rant
I just heard a snippit on the radio, possibly from the Don and Mike show, about the "Wheel of Fornication." Now that's a game-show concept we really need! "I would like to buy a vowel," would then become an interesting euphemism.

Random Rant
My parakeet just said "bite me!" I guess I should watch my language around him? He makes more intelligent conversation than a lot of the men I have been out with recently though.

Jonesin'
I read Bridget Jones's Diary, by Helen Fielding, in two hours one recent afternoon. As I put the book down, I thought to myself, "I AM Bridget Jones!" It is a short but sweet read, and I think that every woman can somehow identify with it. In the New York Times Book Review, Elizabeth Gleick says this: "People will be passing around copies of Bridget Jones's Diary for a reason: it captures neatly the way modern women teeter between 'I am woman' independence and a pathetic girlie desire to be all things to all men."

Bridget is a thirtysomething "singleton," forced to live in a world full of "smug marrieds." She feverishly keeps track of her cigarette and calorie intake for the day; when the going gets tough, she also records the number of daily "bad thoughts" (something I have been doing recently as well - the number is unnaturally high for a particular reason). She obsesses daily and has bouts of self-doubt while examining the "emotional fuckwittage" of others. She wants to be independent, yet she secretly longs to be one of the "smug marrieds."

Bridget is every single woman I know; she is probably you too. (C'mon, admit it, you married men wallow in self-doubt and obsessive behavior all the time.) I highly recommend this book to everyone.

Newsflash: Apparently this book is going to become a movie in the near future. However, I hear a very grave casting error has been made: the part of Bridget Jones will be played by none other than Ms. Anorexia McBeal, Calista Flockheart. Poor Bridget suffers weight fluctuations from 131-119 lbs, gaining 74 lbs and losing 72 during the course of the book (I know, most of us would be happy to weigh that little.) I don't think Ms. Flockheart weighs 74 lbs soaking wet in a wool sweater while carrying her dog. This is definitely one woman with whom I do not identify. I hope that the casting agents realize what a mistake this is and rectifies it post haste.

The Things We Do for Love
I must reveal a secret to the world: I am a liar. To be sure, we all tell tall tales once in a while, and I would think that many are guilty of my same sin. You see, I am a supreme ego-stroker - I realize that men are fragile creatures (the weaker sex, emotionally) who need to have their image bolstered from time to time. Okay, all the time. When I am involved with a man, I want him to feel good about himself; I also want him to think he is the greatest thing since sliced bread, and of course, the only man to whom I give any attention. Well, this is where the lying comes in. When I tell a man, "You are the BEST: a) kisser; b) lover; c) hugger; d) conversationalist; d) all of the above", it is only to manipulate him into thinking I worship the ground he walks on. HA HA HA! Good joke, eh? I thought you might like that! Any fool knows that for me to even be nice to a guy is a rare occasion. And when I am, I must surely want something. And of course I do...and I most often get it.

Now the poor guy who I eventually end up with might read this and wonder, panic-stricken, "has she been lying to me too?" And I think he'll be able to figure out the answer on his own.

To be truthful, there is only one man whom I have complimented sincerely, as he is the only man whom I have ever loved (up to this point, at least). I think he knows who he is - and just to be sure, I sent him an e-mail to tell him not to take this column personally, because he was THE BEST.

::::::smiling as the men race to their mailboxes::::::: gotta keep them on their toes, yannow?

Stay Tuned For the Next Exciting Bitchfest!

Random Rant
A "man of the cloth," Bible in hand, was blatantly flirting with me the other day. What on earth is the world coming to? Is that one of the signs of the Apocalypse? (Perhaps I should have asked him that.)

Random Rant
Irregardless is NOT a word. Stop using it.

Random Rant
Regarding women with inch-and-a-half long fingernails - how do they, ummmm, take care of matters of personal hygiene?? Not only that, but are the nails air-brushed with palm trees and sunsets supposed to be attractive? Sorry, but they aren't.

Randon Rant
I made it through another month without killing anyone. Oh well, better luck next time!