This month, I have decided to write this column myself. Just some things I need to get off my chest. ~Kathy
The Luxury of Friendship
Hierarchy of Friends.
I consider myself blessed to have the number of close friends that I have. There are four people in my life for whom I would do just about anything (short of murder and other illegal mayhem, although Uncle Guido is not above such activities) and who would do the same for me. Together, we have shared many a good time and many a hardship; laughter and tears are both integral parts of the relationship.
One may have many many acquaintances. Indeed, I have met literally several hundred people in my life; 98.5% I would put in the "acquaintance" category, 1% in the "friend" category. The remaining .5% could be in the "enemy" category, however, those people are so insignificant to me that they may as well not exist at all. Here are the definitions to which I subscribe in separating these terms:
Aquaintance - a person whom one knows but is not close to.
Friend - one attached to another by affection or esteem.
Enemy - one who has deliberately wronged another.
I know of one man who thinks that it's all pretty cut-and-dried: if you aren't his enemy, then you must be his friend. Not so. There are also people out there who don't care if this man happens to be hit by a freight train tomorrow; they are neither friends nor enemies.
What makes a friend a friend? Trust, above all, is the most important quality in a friendship. If one party does not trust the other, for whatever reason, that exalted relationship cannot exist. Beyond that, other essential elements in a friendship are:
- genuine affection for each other
- interest in the well-being of the other party
- honesty
- acceptance of, but not necessarily agreement with, the other party's beliefs and philosophies
- loyalty
- Take advantage of the other's weaknesses
- Intentionally do something to displease the other party
- Take the relationship for granted
- Share confidences with a third party
- Lie, cheat, steal from (this includes material things, money, and spouses or significant others), or generally disrespect the other party
To make matters more confusing, there are more delineations to be made; there are not merely friend, acquaintance, and enemy categories. I see friendship as a whole being rather like Dante's Inferno, or the rings of hell, if you will. The topmost ring contains one's best friend(s); the second ring contains friends with whom one may not be as close but are still important; the subsequent rings contain friends of lesser closeness still, followed by acquaintances. The bottom ring, or hell itself, contains enemies. Now the friends who are not in the top ring do not get lesser treatment; all the rules and regulations still apply. It's just that they might not be thought of first when the need arises to confide in someone, or to go out for a special evening on the town, or to take to the ballgame when one has only a single extra ticket.
Friendship is a Gift.
When is given a precious gift, for example, a piece of porcelain, he or she usually tries to take great care of it while keeping it close, perhaps putting it in a place of honor in the house or using it every day. If the gift becomes broken or somehow damaged, the recipient is upset, and often bemoans the fact that this item cannot be replaced because it will no longer be the same. So it is with friendship. It is something that should be taken care of, kept carefully, in a safe place in one's heart. Do not think that I am saying friendship is a fragile thing; it is not. Friendship is strong and resilient. But when something is done to damage it, it most likely cannot be repaired because it will no longer be the same. If a trust is broken, or something willful is done which is known to be detrimental, then that friendship can no longer be what it once was. It is as if that piece of porcelain was thrown to the ground. No amount of glue will bring it back to what it once was.
The Karma of Friendship.
According to the doctrine of karma, for every morally determinate thought, word, or action, there will be corresponding karmic compensation, if not in this life, then in some future life. It is said that to have a friend, one must be a friend. This fits very much with the concept of karma. If one destroys a friendship through treachery and deceit, one should probably be careful. Such actions towards a person one calls a "friend" is indicative of poor character, and what goes around comes around. The concept of karma guarantees that doing ill deeds does not get unpunished. So before one hurts a friend, one should really think about what it will do to oneself in the long run.
A life without friends is sad and poor. I pity those of you who are not as rich as I am in this regard. Thank you my friends (and you know who you are). I love you. The rest of you... well...to hell with you :)