Christopher rises to the occasion...oops! I mean...to my challenge. ~ Kathy
On Being A Romantic
I see a lot of talk in my chat room about "romance." Most of it takes the form of women whining that "guys just aren't very romantic." Those of you who know me well know how much I abhor stereotyping in general. But in this situation, I think the ladies at least have come close to a kernel of truth. I would broaden their complaint to this: very few people are romantics.
Implicit in that statement is the claim that *I* am one of those very few. In discussing this article, Kathy challenged me with this: "Go ahead--show me what you think you know about romance." So, let me give it a shot.
What Being A Romantic is NOT
Being a romantic has very little to do with lovemaking, at least in the Kamasutra techniques sense. That's too narrow a focus for my liking.
Being a romantic also has little to do with most gift-giving. I've seen more than enough articles titled something like: "The 10 Most Romantic Gifts For This Valentine's Day."
Being a romantic is not limited to romance, at least as to sexual relationships, which is where I part ways with Kathy's challenge. It is a broader term than that.
Quotes and Definitions
I was quite surprised by how few relevant quotes and definitions were readily available. AOL's on-line dictionary is barely even warm: "having an inclination for romance... marked by expressions of love or affection... conducive to or suitable for lovemaking."
A search thru the on-line version of Bartlett's Familiar Quotations produced, remarkably, nothing of value. Another on-line service, "The Quotations Page," found this one, from Elinor Glyn: "Romance is the glamour which turns the dust of everyday life into a golden haze." Interesting, and close, but too nebulous for me.
A Core Personality Trait
I assert that being a romantic goes to the very core of one's being. It's an integral part of one's emotional framework, much like say, having a positive outlook. [Mayzie--
In my case, I "learned" about being a romantic primarily from Mom and the other women in my family. Some of you know that my dad died when I was very young (age 6), so Mom was my main role model. Was she a romantic? In a post about my parents awhile back, I wrote this:
"Were Mom and Dad outwardly romantic--flowers, cards, dancing the night away? I don't really know. But I do know that every time I go to visit Dad's grave, there are already fresh flowers there. And I know that, many years later, when I asked Mom why she had never even dated again, tears welled up in her, and she said, quietly, 'Chris, I just never met another man as good as your father.' "
With such women as role models, it's almost impossible to NOT become a romantic. In looking back, I'm still in awe of their quiet strength, passion, and dignity.
A Tentative Definition
One way of defining a romantic is by viewing it as an "umbrella word"--one that is defined by listing a series of other words that comprise it. A few such words that leap to mind are empathetic, attentive, self-sacrificing, generous, passionate, and lyrical.
But as with "love," I find that unfulfilling. Perhaps a couple of other examples will help.
Two "Non-Romantic" Examples
One of the best "gifts" I've read about was totally non-romantic. A family lost a loved one, a child I think. A close friend of the family dropped in unannounced, and quietly went about shining all the shoes that the family members would be wearing to the funeral. And then quietly left. That captured perfectly, for me, how one goes about expressing one's feelings. And I'm sure the family understood it and appreciated it more than the endless vases of flowers they received.
The second relates to my brother, who is as far removed from a classic romantic gift-giver as is possible. But he's clearly the best overall gift-giver I know. Over the years, some of the gifts he has given me at Christmas seem almost mundane--a vacuum cleaner, a china set, Tom Clancy novels, a Squirrel Nuts Zipper CD. But each was perfect, reflecting all those words I mentioned above. And each touched me deeply.
A Final Definition
Perhaps I just have trouble verbalizing a GOOD definition. To paraphrase St. Augustine's view on the definition of time, " If I am not asked, I know what a romantic is. But if I am asked, I know that I do not know what it is."
Nevertheless, fumbling about a bit, for me it is a comprehensive attitude that involves viewing life in an emotional, empathetic, loving and giving manner.
Expressions of Being a Romantic
A few observations. First, if one is in touch with one's deeper feelings, expressions of being a romantic will convey those feelings to the other person. Creativity plays only a small, but sometimes very useful, role. Which is why my brother is a much better gift-giver than I: he's a VERY creative thinker.
Secondly, being a romantic finds expression in an infinite variety of WAYS. Some may well be material, some may be other "things" (like a poem, or a letter), some may be incidentally tangible (a simple touch, a certain smile, a dance), and some may be totally intangible.
Lastly, being a romantic is an all-the-time trait. On the other hand, expression of it can't simply be turned on and off. For example, I've often been asked to write poetry "on demand." Sorry, but no can do! I express that aspect of my romantic nature when the mood strikes, which is totally random. What is probably my most romantic poem is reproduced below. (Hey! You wanted PROOF that I'm a Romantic Guy; you got it!) That came about from a chance remark made by a lady, stirred in with aspects of a relationship I had at the time, and while under the influence of a wonderful poem written about my parents by a good friend.
"Memories of a Fireplace..."So there you have it, IMHO. What do you say, Kathy? Am I a "Romantic Guy"?
As the logs dim to warm embers,
and you sleep quietly, nestled in my arms,
my thoughts drift back to that weekend so many years ago,
when first we snuggled by another fireplace.
And I reflect on how little we've changed since then,
and how rare and wonderful that is.
We had talked often of that weekend in the months before,
almost from the moment we met, here.
You had written such beautiful images about it.
And I think we both knew that it could be so much better than that,
if only we could let ourselves be ourselves,
and try to touch each other's soul.
We were both awkward and shy at first,
but you stole my heart the moment you reached up,
and softly kissed me on my cheek.
We spent the rest of the weekend by the fireplace,
touching, exploring, snuggling, hugging, laughing, talking, dreaming...
falling passionately, deeply and hopelessly in love.
And I guess that what still amazes me is that we remain that way.
When you touch me, I still jump a little.
When we kiss, I still melt.
When I feel you, I still want to linger... everywhere.
When we embrace, I still feel our bodies start to become one.
And when we make love, I am still hopelessly lost in us.
And now, as the fire begins to fade,
I reach over and softly kiss you on your cheek.
You awake and then, knowing my thoughts, smile.
And we snuggle closer, remembering together that first fireplace,
when two lost, shy and lonely people found one another,
and a love that has grown richer and now glows ever-so-warmly.
