Minx, The Magazine - Volume Two, Issue One

by Neal Patterson

Nothing, save the hangover, is more closely associated with New Year’s Day than the New Year’s Resolution - that annual ritual when we resolve to shed our nasty habits and transform ourselves into better human beings. Cultures around the world have established special occasions to mark a time when the participants can assess their sins and begin to lead a better life. Ramadan, Yom Kippur, and the Chinese New Year are some examples.

The New Year’s Resolution is generally thought to have begun with the ancient Romans, who pledged to improve themselves in reverence to the god Janus. January, after all, is named after the Roman god Janus. And just as Janus could look in two directions at the same time, we too have the opportunity each January 1st to not only look back at our past, but see the possibilities of our future.

In addition to this cerebral rationale, there may be a simpler motivation for the resolution phenomenon. The frantic activity of Christmas, and all the extreme emotions that the holiday can elicit, create a prime foundation for self- assessment. Whether one revels in the good cheer of Christmas, or wallows in the Christmas blahs, the experience can give rise to a zealous urge to improve oneself. Millions will resolve each year to lose weight, exercise more, quit smoking, or find a better job. Then, as we settle back to our everyday lives, our efforts to keep these resolutions are shelved with the Christmas lights and the lawn Santa.

I exhibited this very weakness many years ago when I came up with an unorthodox exercise scheme. I had resolved to do one push-up on January 1st. I would then add a push-up each subsequent day. The addition of only one push-up each day would be such a gradual increase in my activity, there was no way I could not keep pace. Then, at the end of the year, I would be able to do 365 push-ups a day and have a washboard stomach.

The first week was fine. 1 push-up, 2 push-ups, 3 push-ups -- piece of cake. After 7 push-ups, the time it took to do my push-ups increased slightly. Granted, we’re talking a matter of seconds, but when you’re in a rush to get to work, those seconds count. ‘I’ll just do two more tomorrow,’ I thought. The next day, I thought, ‘I can do three more tomorrow. How tough could it be?’ A week went by. I was looking at double the amount of push-ups I had accomplished the week before. While it was still only 14 push-ups, the thought of having to do double the work to catch up was intimidating. Suddenly, the washboard stomach didn’t seem all that important anymore.

Research supports the fact that I am not alone. It is estimated that 20% of the people who make New Year’s Resolutions never stick with them. Yet we know that, every year, millions of people do lose weight, exercise more, quit smoking, and find better jobs. How does this happen? One thing is certain: New Year’s Resolutions are not the key.

January 1st is, after all, only a day. If you have to pick a day to begin the improvement process, choose a day that is logical to your overall plan. I smoked my last cigarette on July 2, 1998. The reason: that was the last day before I went on a weeklong vacation. My reasoning was, if I had to go through the irritability associated with nicotine withdrawal (and I did), it was best to go through it away from the stressful work environment. By the time I returned to work, the worst of my withdrawal was over, and my co-workers didn’t even notice that I had quit.

Another thing to look out for is setting unrealistic goals. The very nature of New Year’s Resolutions tends to goad people into grandiose proclamations. Stating on December 31st that you will lose 25 pounds by your summer vacation will likely be the first step to failure. Everything in life is a process, and creating small, attainable steps is crucial to getting through that process.

Of course, as my push-up scheme illustrated, goals cannot be accomplished with small steps alone. Few things go to plan, and your smaller goals may need to be revised or changed completely in order to reach the larger goal. A few years after my push-up fiasco, I joined a gym and got myself into a real exercise program. There I learned to adjust my regimen to suit my goals, and I got results.

Seeking motivation beyond the initial days of your resolution process is another problem. Often, self-improvement is not purely about self. For example, improving yourself physically is nice, but not always enough of a motivation to suffer through the dieting and exercise it takes to get there. If, however, the motivation becomes staying healthy so that you can spend a longer and happier life with your family and loved ones, the process will take on greater meaning. Depending on your goal, you may also be able to find support groups that will provide fellowship in your journey.

Above all, in order for a resolution to work, it should not be about changing your life. Change is major. It often occurs over a long period of time, and we frequently cannot recognize it until we stop to look back at our past. Therefore, instead of making a resolution that would be a drastic life change, make a resolution that enhances the quality of life you currently have. Along the way, be sure to savor the results of your efforts. After I quit smoking, I enjoyed every morning I could wake up without coughing.

So as we drink a toast to 1999, it is assured that many of us will fall prey to the seduction of New Year’s Resolutions. Even though we know the odds are against us, it’s only human nature to want a better, brighter future. While we might fail at the resolutions we make on January 1st, we still have 364 more days to succeed.

Top Ten
New Year's Resolutions

10. Improve golf/bowling score.

9. Donate more time and/or money to charity.

8. Spend less time working too hard.

7. Stop making resolutions.

6. Start an exercise program and stick to it.

5. Drink less.

4. Spend more time with family.

3. Keep to my budget.

2. Quit smoking.

1. Lose weight.

Internet Addict's Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

10. Wash Cheeto residue from fingers before using keyboard.

9. Stop using "smilies" when sending actual written correspondence.

8. Stay away from the naughty Web sites like www.godiva.com and www.megashoppingmall.com
7. Stop pretending to be a beautiful buxom co-ed and reveal to the world my true identity as a 48-year-old overweight bald man with an embarassing odor problem.

6. Stop using AOL as a dating service.

5. Read more fabulous and informative Web 'zines like Minx, the Magazine.

4. Pay more attention to spouse and children and less to porn sites and e-mail.

3. Consider an exercise routine beyond mousing, keyboarding, and lifting beer cans.

2. Try real sex instead of cybersex.

1. Get a life.

Bill Clinton's Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

10. Petition to have Webster's redefine the word "sex."

9. Try cybersex.

8. Switch from having affairs with interns to having affairs with Republican members of Congress.

7. Brainwash self into thinking that Happy Meals are better than sex.

6. Eat more Happy Meals.

5. Be thankful that Monica Lewinsky wasn't Janet Reno.

4. Be more like Buddy the dog and gratify self with own tongue.

3. Bomb Iraq again, and a few more nations while I'm at it. What else do I really have to lose?

2. Keep Chelsea out of the Federal Intern Program.

1. Update resume.

The Minx's Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

10. Give up life of crime and start producing a Web 'zine.

9. :::crossing out resolution #10 as it's been done:::

8. Give up smoking.

7. :::crossing out resolution #8 as I've never started smoking:::

6. Have more fun!

5. :::crossing out resolution #6 because I can't possibly have more fun:::

4. Ridicule the spelling and grammar errors of others.

3. :::crossing out resolution #4 because I do that everyday anyway:::

2. Show my readers a really good time!

1. Throw away list - didn't I say I don't make resolutions?